Confessions of a Breast-Pump Junkie

If you had told me fourteen months ago that I would be having a hard time giving up pumping (breast pumping that is), I'm sure I would have thought you were crazy! Who wouldn't be glad to give up that burden? Well...I've come to find out...apparently me! After such a rough start to pumping...it was terribly difficult for me to get in a comfortable position...and breast feeding...Karina just screamed when I offered her a basically dry breast...I was practically ready to give up pumping the moment I started! I can't tell you how many times in the first six months I dreamed about wearing my favorite Victoria's Secret underwire push-up bra with my original pre-pregnancy breasts. But somewhere along the way, I got used to it...and apparently quite attached to it.

Karina stopped actually taking the breast some time around her 8th month, but I kept on pumping, because she'd been sick a lot around that time and I wanted to keep supplying her with whatever antibodies I could. Over the months, I'd gradually tapered down so that for the last couple of months I was only pumping four times a day, and was rarely getting up in the middle of the night. And for the last few weeks I'd gone down to three times a day and was only making about 3 ounces of milk a day. But since I had decided a few weeks ago that it was about time to stop...it was weird that I was still pumping until a few days ago. Every time I thought, "Okay, today I'll stop," or "This will be the last time," I found myself also thinking, "But what if I need to still be able to do it?" or "I'm not sure I want to be done breast-feeding." (What?)

Believe me, I was as shocked as anyone to be having these thoughts...but there they were. It's hard to explain, but somehow it felt like if I stopped pumping, I'd lose one of my skills. I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. It would be all or nothing. There'd be no turning back. Which of course, was the point of ceasing pumping, but yet it seemed like part of me would be missing.

Well, I did finally give it up. I pumped for the last time in the early morning on March seventh. I was at work and feeling a bit swollen, so I pumped for 10 minutes or so before I went to bed. I haven't done it since...and it has been very strange. It's odd how much I seem like an addict trying to stay away from their "drug." I truly feel a hint of mourning...just a little bit sad... Overall, I'm glad I've stopped pumping...it's time...but I still can't believe how hard it was and how much I miss it.